-By Warner Todd Huston
So, scientists find the dead bodies of dozens of dolphins and baby porpoises near Miami, Florida and across the pond along Scotland’s East Coast. These aquatic mammals where literally beaten to death with multiple internal injuries, lacerations, contusions and the like. Back in 1997 the whole C.S.I. treatment was given these animals and guess who these scientists first blamed? You guessed it, the United States Military. It turns out, however, that scientists have now realized that it is the “smartest” fishie on earth that is responsible. Yes, they were surprised to discover that dolphins are outright murderers. So much for a “smarter” more “peaceful” ocean, eh?
The Telegraph gives us the tale of the dolphins gone wild.
New evidence has been compiled by marine scientists that prove the normally placid dolphin is capable of brutal attacks both on innocent fellow marine mammals and, more disturbingly, on its own kind.
So, when are we going to see an episode of cops where a dolphin gets led into a cell with a coat over its head?
Scientists first came across their watery mystery in 1997.
The first clues to solving the riddle came in 1997 when, by coincidence, marine biologists in Virginia were finding young, dead dolphins with horrific internal injuries at the same time as young porpoises were washing up on Scotland’s north-east coast with identical causes of death. The body count was growing in both locations.
The Telegraph slips this one by to explain scientists original failed theory.
The two groups of biologists pooled information and, at first, it was believed the mammals had died through ‘blast trauma’. In American cases, this was supposedly from exercises by the US Navy, and in Scotland from air guns used by oil rig technicians to detect undersea caverns.
Naturally, the very first thing to blame was the U.S. Government in general and those evil fish murderers in the U.S. Military. No proof needed, see, they just assumed that it must be so. After all, isn’t that the job of the U.S. Military? Further, don’t they enjoy roaming about the planet and pointlessly murdering the most beloved mammals of the oceans? Why, gosh, all mighty… it HAS to be those rotten S.O.B.’s in the U.S. Military, right?
Well, on second thought…
This theory was dismissed after further examination of the mammals’ bodies revealed the injuries – broken ribs, imploding lungs, damaged livers and massive internal bleeding – could only have come from prolonged, focused attacks.
Any apology for falsely accusing the U.S. Military, I wonder? Probably shouldn’t hold our collective breath, eh? The Telegraph spends no more time to worry about past slights to our nation and Military.
So, it turns out it was the stinkin’ dolphins what done it! Yes, the most “peaceful,” “normally placid,” “smartest” fishy on earth that is responsible for these senseless murders!
When tell-tale teeth-marks were identified, the dolphin – the mammal classified as one of the world’s most intelligent, sensitive and sociable creatures – became the official suspect.
Marine experts now believe that these displays of attacks on non-rival, non-predatory, peace-loving porpoises and, more shockingly, of dolphin infanticide, may have always taken place.
It is awfully interesting that roving “gangs of dolphins” are needlessly killing defenseless porpoises and even baby dolphins. It is also very interesting that scientists now think this has “always happened.” But what is most humorous is that these scientists have had their feelings hurt over the revelation.
The reaction of Dr Wilson, who is a member of the Scottish Association for Marine Science has to measure as one of the funniest admissions I’ve seen for a long time. Once the good doctor realized that his beloved dolphins were cold blooded murderers he seemed crestfallen.
“It was, Oh my God!, the animals I’ve been studying for the last 10 years are killing these porpoises.”
Now THAT is funny.
Imagine, how hollow this makes so many dolphin lovers feel? They have spent their entire lives dreamily imagining that their beloved fishies the dolphins are the most beloved creatures of the seas when they are really just a bunch of damp gangbangers cruising the world’s oceans looking for hapless victims to murder for fun! How many times have you heard about how smart and caring these beneficent mammals are? How many times have you heard dolphin sycophants scold we lowborn humans, telling us that if we were only more like the dolphins the whole world would be sooo much better?
Imagine how hurt these people must feel to find out that their loves are such murderers?
Personally, it cracks me up! The whole thing is just too delicious.
But one thing is sure, you won’t see too many stories where these scientists, cock sure that it was the U.S. military responsible for fishicide, apologizing for their mistaken assumptions.
Warner Todd Huston is a Chicago based freelance writer, has been writing opinion editorials and social criticism since early 2001 and is featured on many websites such as newsbusters.org, townhall.com, New Media Journal, Men’s News Daily and the New Media Alliance among many, many others. Additionally, he has been a frequent guest on talk-radio programs to discuss his opinion editorials and current events. He has also written for several history magazines and appears in the new book “Americans on Politics, Policy and Pop Culture” which can be purchased on amazon.com. He is also the owner and operator of publiusforum.com. Feel free to contact him with any comments or questions : EMAIL Warner Todd Huston
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