The Dumbest Criminals of 2013

January 1, 2014 | Filed Under Crime, Humor, Warner Todd Huston | Comments Off on

The Dumbest Criminals of 2013

-By Warner Todd Huston

The year’s end always brings those wonderful “lists” of things, but here is one to help you bring in the new year and end the old one with a laugh for herein lies some of the dumbest criminals of the year 2013.

***Also see The Dumbest Criminals of 2013***

Let us start with the winner of the award for the “Dumbest Criminal for 2013,” then we’ll list the runners up.

Winner of the Dumbest Criminal Award for 2013 Goes To…

This year’s winner is one Derrick Mosley, an Einstein of the underworld, to be sure.

In August, Texan Derrick Mosley earned himself the top spot on this year’s Dumbest list for imagining it was a good idea to rob a gun store… armed with a baseball bat.

Naturally, as soon as this dunderhead walked into the gun store and demanded money and guns, the store clerk just drew his own pistol and ordered the fool to the floor to await police. Mosley was right there on the floor when the cops arrived, too.

Mosley was arrested on charges of first-degree robbery, first-degree theft, unlawful possession of a firearm and second-degree criminal mischief. Bail was set at $250,000.

But the brilliant Mr. Mosley wasn’t the only wizard of crime for 2013. Following are some of the bat-wielding Mosley’s competitors for the top spot.

Top Robber Jamie Neil

Everyone knows when you want to rob a store a good disguise is an indispensable part of a crook’s bag of tricks…. right? Well, someone forgot to tell the UK’s Jamie Neil whose choice of a disguise was, uh, a bit transparent, if you will.

You see, the inestimable Mr. Neil chose a plastic bag… a clear plastic bag… to put over his head to, er, “conceal” his face. He also used his cellphone claiming it was a gun as he tried to rob a gas station.

Even more amusingly, while he was pretending his cell phone was a gun and threatening the clerk with it, the thing rang with an incoming call. After that the clerk suddenly found herself less afraid and more open to calling the cops.

This guy isn’t smart enough even to be Abbie Normal from Young Frankenstein.

The Crooks Who Came Back Later

Chicago police were happy to announce in August that Mario Garcia, 39, and Domingo Garcia-Hernandez, 28, were two of the most compliant crooks they met in some time.

When these two brain donors entered the Clifton Grill in West Rogers Park and told the owner that they wanted free food and all the money or the two would shoot them with the non-existent gun they claimed to have, the restaurant folks asked if the pair would kindly come back in an hour or so, so that the restaurant folks could have time to bag up their demands in a doggie back for pick up later.

“Why, of COURSE we would,” the two happily said. And, true to their word, they came back an hour later to get their ill-gotten gains.

But instead of a bag of booty they found cops waiting with steel bracelets.


Most Foolish Facebook Comment of the Year

So, when you see your own wanted photo on a police department’s Facebook page, it’s probably not a great idea to use your own Facebook account to comment on that photo, ya know?

But that is just what Matt Oliver, 23, did when he saw his face under a wanted notice on the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page.

Naturally the Sheriff’s office used Oliver’s Facebook postings to track him down and arrest him for burglary.


GPS Stands for Grande Primo Stupido

Just a little advice for all you criminals out there, but a court-mandated ankle monitor isn’t just a fashion statement. It is a tracking device, just in case you didn’t know. It has one of them thar new fangled GPS devices inside it, ya know?

Apparently Brandon Campbell of Denver needed a refresher course on the use of police monitoring equipment, though. Campbell went on a breaking and entering spree while wearing his ankle monitor and was convicted of the crimes this year because police tracked every move he made.

Maybe he was wearing a tin foil hat and thought the cops could see him that’a way.

Butt Dialing Saves the Day

OK, so when you want to plan a murder, it is a good idea not to broadcast your intentions to too many people… especially the victim!

But Larry Barnett, owner of Legend Motor Company in Jonesboro, Arkansas, did not take that advice. Or, maybe it is more correct to say that his butt did not take that advice.

Police arrested the butt-inski for conspiracy to murder when having his phone in his back pocket, he accidentally butt dialed his victim’s phone number as he talked of his nefarious plans to kill him. The butt dialed victim got to hear a full 90-minute conversation as Barnett talked about how he intended to kill the former employee.

The victim sensibly called police.

“I’ve been here now for 25 years and I’ve never recalled a time when a subject has accidentally, if you will, ‘butt-dialed’ someone they’re either trying to commit a crime against or the possible victim of the crime,” Jonesboro Police Sergeant Doug Formon told KAIT.

It’s Only A Crime in the Dark, Right?

Here is a crook that thought he had it all figured out. He was going to use the cover of daylight to hide his crime.

A Cleveland, Ohio man was shocked that police arrested him for trying to burglarize his estranged mother’s home on the afternoon of June 26.

According to police, James Blankenship was quite upset that police arrested him for breaking into the home because he thought they could only arrest him if it was nighttime. Seriously, He did.

Police quickly disabused him of that notion.

“Despite his misconception,” a Cleveland magazine amusingly noted, “Blankenship soon realized that people can, in fact, be arrested during the daytime for burglary.”

Best ‘Wheel Man’ Of The Year

When you think of a get away vehicle, what do you think of? Maybe a Ferrari? Or, how about a souped up Corvette? OK, try this one on for size: how about a moped whose top speed is about 30 miles per hour?

Yeah, probably not the latter. But a low-speed moped is just what James Phillips chose as his get away vehicle nonetheless.

Phillips, who earlier had his drivers license taken away from him, led police in Bristol, England on a scintillating 15-mile-per-hour chase in February after cops spied him illegally driving the moped in a reckless manner one afternoon.

The decidedly low-speed chase was even filmed by a helicopter!

The speed demon was arrested, of course, and charged with driving without a license.

Honesty Not Always the Best Policy

Those who want to get a job at the FBI are best advised to tell the truth during the interviewing process. After all, the nation’s premier investigators will uncover all your dirty laundry anyway. But, if your closet is filled with too many skeletons, maybe interviewing for a job with the FBI isn’t such a great idea in the first place.

This is a life’s lesson that one Dominick Pelletier learned in August when he visited the FBI’s Chicago office to try and start a career as an officer of the law.

Pelletier dutifully sat himself down for a polygraph test and blurted out one little factoid about himself that made him less a candidate for employment and more a candidate for investigation when he sort, kinda admitted that he had a stash of kiddie porn at home.

Worse, Pelletier sortta admitted that he just might be guilty of producing kiddie porn because he kinda filmed himself having sex with a little girl. A little bit. Sortta.

The FBi got a warrant, entered Pelletier’s home, and, sure enough, the all-too-truthful job applicant was telling the God’s honest truth.

That was an easy case to catch and solve, wasn’t it?

I hope ol’ Dominick at least dressed for success.

So, there you have it folks, some of the dumbest criminals of 2013.
“The only end of writing is to enable the reader better to enjoy life, or better to endure it.”
–Samuel Johnson

Follow Warner Todd Huston on:

Warner Todd Huston is a Chicago based freelance writer. He has been writing opinion editorials and social criticism since early 2001 and before that he wrote articles on U.S. history for several small American magazines. His political columns are featured on many websites such as Andrew Breitbart’s,, and, as well as,,,,, among many, many others. Huston has also appeared on Fox News, Fox Business Network, CNN, and many local TV shows as well as numerous talk radio shows throughout the country.

For a full bio, please CLICK HERE.



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